Thursday, February 08, 2007

The Straight And Narrow World Of Ted Haggard


Ted Haggard, the right-wing evangelist who gave added meaning to the word 'hypocrisy,' has been miraculously cured of his homosexual urges.

That's right. After 3 grueling weeks of counseling, Rev. Haggard has announced that he is "completely heterosexual."

Any straighter and he'd be a ruler

No shadings of Kinsey here. No possibility of being the teensiest bit light in his loafers. No bisexuality. This man is not taking the Anne Heche highway. No more hard feelings at the thought of getting a massage from male prostitutes who only advertise in gay magazines. Nope. Haggard is 100% over it. Can you say Hallelujah, thank you Jay-sus?

For those who somehow missed the initial story, which I covered here, Mr. Haggard was fired as pastor of his church and resigned his position as president of the National Association of Evangelicals, after gay escort Mike Jones revealed that the good reverend had paid for sex and also indulged in crystal meth.

After stonewalling, Haggard finally admitted to what he referred to as "sexual immorality" with Jones, but regarding the meth, claimed he didn't inhale.

According to the latest revelations, the fact that Haggard's homosexual contact was allegedly limited to a single male prostitute is helpful confirmation that this man would much prefer to engage in a Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes-style relationship...with Katie, of course.

Coming soon to a self-hating gay man near you

What is scary about pastor Haggard opening up to select members of his flock, and the Denver Post, regarding his plans, is what he is preparing for.

According to the paper, Haggard and his wife will be taking online courses so that they both can eventually earn master's degrees in psychology.

You see where this is going, don't you?

Quicker than you can say, 'Jesus I can make a lot of cash off of self-loathing individuals,' do not be surprised to see Haggard promising to cure others of the dreaded curse of homosexuality.

That future course was being hinted at by H.B.London, a counselor for the homophobic organization Focus on the Family.

The Post quotes London as saying:
"Many of us that go into the healing, helping professions do so out of some sort of dysfunction or traumatic event in our lives, and we want to do what we can to help other people avoid what we've gone through. He is certainly gifted and intelligent and has an intuitive side to him. And he has life experience. Those are good credentials."
Besides, what better way for Rev. Haggard to hook up with closeted gay men?

Opening the floodgates

Either way, let's hope the 'completely heterosexual' comment is not the start of a trend.

Otherwise, next thing you know, we'll be hearing from Michael Jackson, announcing that he isn't really white. Perhaps Mel Gibson will wax poetic over the joys of circumcision and declare that it was actually a good thing that the Jews killed Jesus. Yeah, Michael...gotcha Mel...and yes, Ted...we get it. You've got the cure.

Praise the Lord.

And pass the KY, please.

2 comments:

Steve Talbert said...

Can you say Hypo CRAZY??!

scootmandubious said...

Maybe the GOP should adopt the hippo as their new mascot, replacing the elephant?